Catlin Woods is a section of old-growth forest located within White Memorial Conservation Center, stated to be untouched for over three centuries.The passing of time is experienced different by trees; it moves more slowly.
I went into Catlin Woods today, on assignment. The latest attempt to practice meaningful mindfulness. Get grounded. Be present. This is my current task and I am excited to try it out at one of my favorite places. I am currently reading āThe Hidden Life of Treesā by Peter Wohlleben and it has opened my eyes to how complex of an organism that a Forest is. I am pleased to hold this new knowledge to which I can practice focusing my attention as I wander about the woods. It has certainly influenced this piece.
I am motivated lately to move slower. I feel in the past, while I had found refuge in the woods, I also used my time there to punish myself with physical accomplishment. I used it as another way to prove to myself that I can work hard and achieve, despite the difficulties I was facing in my daily life. But it was never enough; never enough miles, never enough distance, elevation gain, or difficulty. Eventually, I avoided going into the woods entirely if I felt it wasnāt going to satisfy whatever arbitrary goal I had. This piled on to the rotting heap of unfinished business, or failure, I had already accumulated. I had robbed my peaceful space of itās joy. Fortunately, my recent education on better understanding the forest ecosystem has me returning with a new energy, and it forces me to move like molasses and pay attention.Ā
COMMUNITY
My last entry was somewhat of love letter to the American Chestnut tree so I was thrilled to notice one along the trail. The thing about the chestnuts is that in their deaths many of their root systems stayed alive. This was something that I already knew, but I viewed it solely as the chestnuts doing, that is was itās own yearning for life that gave it the will to stick around and try again. Innate strength and perseverance. But today, while observing this tree, I understood that it was not the chestnut itself keeping it going, but it was actually the forest that was responsible. The community of surrounding trees and itās underlying network of roots were intertwined with the chestnuts, providing it with the energy to keep it alive. I am not an expert, but it seems to me that this makes it possible, when the conditions are right, that there is a future where these chestnuts may once again sprout new life that will go on to reach maturity. This is only possible because the forest has decided they are important enough to support, and keep around.
I took time to reflect and consider the importance of community to survival. Coincidently, this past week, someone fairly new to my life, wished for me to be more open to letting others in. They encouraged me to to see friendships as a means for support that keep you going when youāre depleted, no strings attached. They reminded me that it takes a community to care for one another. I admittedly have a hard time with this, and have built a world of solitude instead. Trees too, can grow in solitude. However, they will never grow as big or a strong as they could within a forest. They will never reach their full potential. I spent a while mulling this over while I continued to walk.
Personal shortcomings had me rationalizing that it is better to keep people at a comfortable distance. My shortcomings have led to failures, and hurt, and I came to feel that closeness would inevitably lead to a disappointment in a relationship, courtesy of me. I have an extremely difficult time managing relationships, amongst other things.
DYSFUNCTION
In 2015, after a failed nursing career, failed marriage, and other failed attempts to āfixā what was wrong with me, I was advised that my struggles were related to an executive function disorder. While I was smart, I was scattered. I was having significant issues with my working memory that was leading to major complications. When a computer runs out of working memory, it freezes, crashes, or shuts down. It usually needs some time powered off to reset and maintenance or repairs may need to be performed in order to work properly again. Itās the same for people.
While there are many other factors involved in this for me, I wanted to include the above image, which is a snippet from one of my genetic test results. It indicates that high activity levels of the enzyme COMT (val/val genotype) results in decreased frontal lobe dopamine and working memory. Low levels of dopamine are linked to a myriad of symptoms, and for me I experience quite a few of them. I share this because people with executive function disorders, like ADHD, have difficulties that significantly impact their life, careers, and relationships. There are many reasons why someone could have executive dysfunction and many of them are entirely out of their control.
What does executive dysfunction feel like?People who have executive dysfunction are often very ā even painfully ā aware of the dysfunction. How it feels can take different forms, depending on what people are doing when they experience it:
- When youāre trying to self-motivate to do a task. One way to describe it is like a vinyl record player thatās skipping over the same part of a song repeatedly. You want to fix the problem and make it play correctly, but the record is stuck in the same pattern.
- In social situations. A person who has executive dysfunction can often struggle when interacting with others. This can feel like your words getting ahead of your thoughts or tripping over what you want to say. This often makes people with executive dysfunction feel very anxious or worried in social situations.
- When trying to focus or concentrate.People with executive dysfunction can struggle to focus on something that needs their attention. They may find other sights, sounds and things happening around them extremely distracting to the point where concentrating is impossible.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/23224-executive-dysfunction
It has really taken me up until now to accept that this is something that I cannot fix., but I have tried. To counter-act the dysfunction, I put a lot of effort into over compensating for my difficulties by remaining in a state of hyper-vigilance; I operate in overdrive. I put all my energy into work and the parenting must-doās. Everything I can remember to do will be labeled as “urgent” so that I have enough focus and stamina to get it done. My thoughts are like scrambled eggs, and on the inside I am a nervous dog frantically treading water or pacing in circles – scratching at the door to be let out. Donāt forget, donāt forget, donāt forget. I present as an anxious, depressed, or even aloof person to those that know me long enough. Itās from shame and embarrassment that my struggles will be obvious, and the guilt about knowing that I will not be able to be to show up completely, that I prefer to keep to myself. But, I will try again.
THE UNDERSTORY
Every forest has trees that make up the crown. These are the winners of the race for light and status. They make it all the way to the top where their leaves can receive and absorb the majority of the sunlight, whatās left over filters through to the forest floor. Despite what is said, there is not room for everyone at the top. Not for trees and not for people. We cannot all be living comfortably up on high. But even the crown has its own set of problems. Even the crown provides energy and nourishment to other members of its forest. I am happy to bow out of the race to the top, I donāt need to get there. Itās time to slow it down, take my time, and enjoy the abundance of life and community that thrives in the understory.Ā Not separate from, but part of a beautifully complex system providing mutual support.
-c-
PS: There is so much more I could say about this. If you read this and feel alone, or that you can relate, please reach out.
Song Recommendation: Terms of Surrender by Hiss Golden Messenger
The Fox & The Peregrine 